How about a substantive blog post, in honor of the blog's anniversary?

Btw, I recently started rereading Chofetz Chaim, and realized there is no

comparable secular framework for speech and thought mindfulness. If one were to

strip the text of its Jewish focus, it may remove some pillars of support, but

preserve much good spiritual philosophy for the general public.

I once learned of two people speaking about me without my knowledge. I am generally

quite oblivious to such machinations, particularly within the community, as I tend

not to pry into peoples lives (except yours) and expect reciprocation.

Unfortunately, this sometimes generates unintended consequences, as some

individuals, left to their own devices, will fill a void with shocking obscenities

I could never have contemplated. In this particular case, I was informed through a

bystander that rose in my defense, and who felt I should know, in order that I

correct the record.

I did not think much of it, and was quite predisposed to ignore the issue, until

much later, as the matter stewed in my mind. The actual accusations were easy

enough to refute, trivial even, and I had no great urge to challenge them -

misdirection and ambiguity can have its advantages. What eventually triggered my

anger was the context - the who and the why of what transpired. These were no

boors, no simpletons. It was a case of conduct unbecoming, and that, as a fellow

Jew, I felt I should somehow address.

A confrontation was out of the question as it could further strain relationships -

an outcome I preferred to avoid. I let the matter rest as I considered a proper

response. Mediation through an intermediary? That would only raise the volume and

embroil innocent people in the ugly business. An anonymous, non-specific warning,

then? But what could I write to reach the individuals involved, to relate my

genuine disappointment in their actions, without raising their defenses and

reducing the entire exercise to counterproductive futility?

Aha! But what if I left the writing to a professional, a philosopher, a spiritual

and halachic master in the ways of proper speech and more - the Chofetz Chaim! A

surreptitiously mailed book bearing his name - Sefer Chofetz Chaim - would deliver

a private, yet powerful message. It would be the spiritual equivalent of receiving

an authoritative guide to sexually transmitted disease, with a pack of condoms,

anonymously and out of the blue. There you are, living out your life, and "bam" -

to quote a friend - someone felt it necessary to address your unwise sexual

promiscuity, in a way that leaves no room for doubt that the matter has become

known, while recognizing the embarassing nature of the issue and leaving you to

address it of your own initiative, if you so choose. Could a solution be more

perfect?

Still, there was the matter of humiliating the parties involved, even if discretely

and unintentionally. Perhaps they had been coarse to my feelings, but they could be

counted on to peak in sensitivity when the matter became an afront to theirs. Who

was I, after all, to be dispensing justice by the sharp edge of Chofetz Chaim's

sword? If I truly cared about the people involved, and not avenging my pride, then

perhaps I should swallow what had transpired and end the bitter cycle.

Alternatively, perhaps it was my place to warn and educate the parties involved, so

that they could address a serious problem. The small push my anonymous message

could provide may be just the incentive needed to make a positive change. I

resolved to wait until my feelings on the matter had dissipated, and I could

approach the issue with the dispassion and detachment it deserved.

As things turned out, the matter soon receeded from my thoughts. Some months later,

the parties to the conversation which had so riled me learned the very truth which

they had once mischaracterized, without my involvement and in a positive way which

left no one the lesser. Looking back, however, the crucial question remains - was this experience a missed opportunity for helping to correct another person's mis-behavior, or study in self-restraint?

A possibly interesting secular book/practice for loshon hara is Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (NVC). See www.cnvc.org and www.nonviolentcommunication.com.

NVC teaches us to speak from the heart about what is bothering us or what is alive in us in relation to a situation, rather than talking about what we think of the other person or his or her behaviour.

I have found that when I reveal what I value to someone and ask what response that stimulates in them, the door is open for conversation and then, possibly, we can connect.